Stupid Stuff

The Americans and Russians, at the height of the arms race, realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.

One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler ------- in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were three inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine-foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund reached out and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans, shaking their heads in disbelief. `We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler ------- in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing," an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

Really Stupid Stuff That I Found On The Internet

	One time I went to Taco Bell, and the front window of our car was broken so my mom made me order the food from the back seat. I ordered just fine, then the lady asked if I wanted any sauce. I said, "Just ketchup please." Oh Man! She looked at me so funny. THAT was embarrassing.
	I have a friend who's really stupid. Over the summer I dyed my hair red and I didn't tell anyone about it. So one day, she phoned me to go do something, and when I saw her she said, "Oh, you dyed your hair!'" Then she asked me what colour.
	I have a friend, Brandy, who was told if you gargle paroxide it will make your teeth whiter. When she did it her gums also turned white. Being the bright blonde that she is, she panicked and ate a piece of red candy to turn her gums back pink. Needless to say her newly whitened teeth were also red.
	During a daily Biology class, we were discussing how DNA is made by taking enzymes from eaten food and using the enzymes to build the DNA. ANYWAY, my teacher said "Now, when I eat the carrot, the enzymes from the carrot help to build strands of DNA." And this girl in the front row asks without a hitch "So then is DNA made of carrots?"
	One time I was playing around in the kitchen when I decided it would be a good a idea to try and scare my dog with our black and decker dough mixer. So I put it on turbo speed and aimed it at the dog who started to run away. To prove to the dog that it was harmless I attempted to stop the blades with my hand. My fingers got bent back to my wrist before the mixer gave up and I had to turn it off and run it back manually to pull my fingers out.
	I went to Sixflags one time, and while going in, I noticed a hotdog stand! Instead of looking where I was going, I kept my head trained onto the stand in the hopes that my mom would buy me one. Because she didn't notice me, I decided to say "Mmmmmm, hotdogs" just like Homer Simpson would, but right after I said this, I crashed into the knee high brick wall. After falling over into the garden on the other side of the wall, I yelled out, "Owwwwww, my knees!" Everyone heard this and stared at me. Anyway, I hurt my knees and I didn't even get a hotdog.
	My friend Pico, Jamal and I were riding in Pico's new Ford Explorer. We were on the interstate driving about seventy MPH. Pico's truck sounded funny. Jamal said, "Hey, is your truck OK?" Pico looked at the dash and saw that the automatic gear shift was in 2nd gear. Pico asks, "Hey, it's in '2.' I should pull over at the next exit then shift back to 'D' right?" Jamal and I beat Pico with our hats and I reached over and shifted the selector back to "D."
	I hate to tell on myself but.... One night, I was in a friend's 3rd story apartment. We were grilling food on the apartment balcony. We were smart enough to realize that this wasn't a safe action. We decided to go to the park to grill. I had to run to the toilet. After I wrapped up the business, I went and found that my friends were all in the truck ready to go. I decided to jump off of the balcony to get to the car quicker. I fell 3 stories and hit the concrete...a perrrfect cat-like landing on 2 feet. Too bad I broke my ankle and my leg. They rushed me to the hospital. I got fixed up with a cast and pain killers :). We returned to the park. I was on crutches and had to lay on my back and keep my leg elevated. They all teased me well into the night. After the party ended, everyone packed to leave. Everybody said BYE!! One of my friends yelled HEY MOE! We have to do this again sometime!! Yeah right.......
	My mom's friend is a teacher at a nearby high school. Well, one day, she assigned her class a paper on World War 2. The day it was due, one boy came in empty handed. The teacher asked him why. He simply replied, "I went to every library I could find, but I found NOTHING on World War 2. I found a lot of books on World War 11, though."
	I work in a convenience store. A while ago, a woman came in, grabbed a bottle of soda and a candy bar, and came up to the counter. "That'll be $1.65," I told her. She looked at me kind of strangely for a moment, then picked up the soda and asked, "How much is this?" "A dollar," I said. Then she picked up the candy bar. "And how much is this?" she asked.
	I broke my knee and was out of lacrosse for the season. Well the day after one of the games a friend of mine who is on the team walked up to me and asked, "Hey, how many goals did you have yesterday?"
	I had an ex-girlfriend who was stupid. One day her stupid things were getting on my nerves and I asked her what her I.Q. was. She responded "20/20"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
	I have a friend we will call him Maki. I told everyone at the lunch table at school that I aced my social studies test. He said "Did you get an A on it?"
	I know someone who lives right down the street. One day she was walking along and struck up a conversation with my Mom. I had nothing to do and was overhearing it. The topic went to dogs. Then she said, "You know, there is this really strange thing that happens every time I drive to school. I pass this street and there is this dead dog. And once I get out of school and pass the street again, someone moved the dog. It's really weird! Every day someone moves this dead dog back and forth!" So, one day, we drove down that street to get to the supermarket, and remembering that conversation looked down the street and saw the dog laying there. The dog wasn't dead, it was sleeping!
	My family were on a road trip with our caravan, when one of the wheels fell off. We happened to lose a couple of the nuts before putting it back on, so we stopped at the next service station to try and get some replacements. My father asked the attendant if they had any wheel nuts and she thought for a bit and replied, "No, but we have Nobby's Nuts."
	After purchasing our house, my wife and I decided to rip up most of the carpeting in the living room and put down a tile floor. While relating this story to my boss I said, "...it was a long job. There was 300 square feet of floor to cover with 12 inch by 12 inch tiles." He then asked me, "Really! How many tiles did you use?"
	My friend Rachel announced she was going to bleach her hair in the summer. My friend Tracey asked, "What color?"
	We were listening to a story about my friend's next door neighbor who went to Germany and had a one night stand with a German bloke. When her husband found out they divorced. Tracey suddenly shouted "Oh! Just think! The baby will come out speaking German!"
	In one of my high school classes we were going to have a mock trial. The teacher asked who wanted what roles. My friend raised her hand and said, "I'll be the prostituting attorney!"
	I worked at a gift store just across a small open area from the world famous Space Needle here in Seattle. Two questions from tourists that never failed to amaze and amuse me were, "Where is the Space Needle?" (Honestly, it only looms 610 feet above your head at this very moment.) and "Is this where I get tickets to the Space Needle?" (No, you get them AT the Space Needle. I was tempted sometimes to send them to some remote corner of the Seattle Center in effort to obtain them. Shame on me.)
	I had just gotten my debit-card. I hadn't had a chance to sign it yet and I went into the store. The girl, seeing that it wasn't signed, gave me her pen and asked if I would sign the card. I did. So she proceeds with the purchase, hands me the receipt to sign and then takes the card holds it up next to the receipt and compares the signatures…
	My mom took out her old wedding album and built into the binding was a small music box that you had to wind up. Well, over the years a piece had fallen off the winding mechanism but mom had discovered if you put a dime in the slot to turn it, it still worked fine. So we're reading it and my niece (honor student, governor's school, etc.) comes over. My sister says, "Here, this part plays music. Do you have a dime on you?" And my niece says "Do you have to PAY?"
	I had just punched in at my place of employment and was putting my things away, when the coworker I take over for came up to me and said, "I can't get the lint thingy back in the dryer right. I think I broke it." I went to see what the problem was. I found that HE, yes it was a male, had put the lint filter in backwards. As I took it back out and proceeded to put it in correctly, he stopped me and said, "Wait, I forgot to put this back in." I turned to see what he was talking about and in his hand was a big wad of lint.
	My aunts were driving somewhere one day, and they stopped at a tollbooth. While they were sitting there they saw a part of someone's car rolling down the street, and started laughing. Then they realized that it was a part of their car.
	My friend was driving me home from school one day. On the way home I saw a car that looked exactly like my mom's parked on the side of the road. I started laughing at it, and making fun of it because the tires had all busted and there was nothing left but the rim. When I got home she called to tell me that she wouldn't be home for a few hours because the wheels on her car had gotten messed up. I felt so stupid because I had been making fun of my mom's car.
	After spending the afternoon snorkeling in St. Croix, I was standing near the dive shop when I overheard the following conversation between 2 middle-aged American ladies. They were watching a bare-footed man trudging (on hot gravel) with an empty scuba air-tank on his back. He was hunched over and grimacing. I presumed his posture and expression was due to the hot gravel on his bare feet. But apparently the ladies didn't see it that way. Lady1: My, those tanks must be awfully heavy! Look how he's walking! Lady2: Oh? Do you suppose that tank is all that heavy? Lady1: Well, I don't know if it's empty or not, but I heard someone say that those things can hold 70 lbs. of air! Lady2: Well that's hard to believe. Looks like they'd drown if they were all that heavy. How can they swim w/ all that weight? Lady1: Oh that's because it's weightless in water. You know everything is much lighter in water. Lady2: I suppose so. You're so smart about these things!
	My wife was very excited upon hearing the 1996 Olympics would be held in Atlanta, Ga. Before she began planning the events she wanted to see, she asked me, "Will it be the winter or summer games?"
	This is an actual conversation that took place in my educational psychology class (mind you everyone in this class is training to be a teacher). We were learning about the best way to teach kids concepts and the Prof. was using the word "bird." He asked us what characteristics made a bird different from other animals. Obviously people said "feathers, lays eggs, etc." One person said the beak made them different. The prof. asked the class if we all agreed that all birds had to have a beak. Everyone said, "YES" then from the back of the room this girl said "What about ducks? They don't have a beak. They have a bill." The prof. asked, "Aren't a beak and a bill the same thing?" She said "No a beak is used for pecking and a bill is used to sift things." Another student then said, "We know a duck is a bird. It is a biological fact." She replied, "Look, I don't know the biological reasons for it, but I am saying that a duck isn't a bird because it has a bill." The whole class sat there in amazement. Just think SHE could be teaching YOUR kids someday.
	To prove just how smart the people who work for McDonalds are I told my brother that I would order a cheeseburger without cheese to find out what the guy would say. He did just what I thought he would do, he called back to the grill for a cheeseburger with no cheese instead of handing me a burger off the warmer. The guy working the grill didn't catch on either, because he wrapped it in a special wrapper instead of suggesting that he give me a regular hamburger.
	Back in high school, I had THE stupidest music teacher. I was a brunette, but over Christmas vacation, I dyed my hair red. When I came back to his class after the vacation, he stared at me long and hard, then said "You know, last semester I had a student just like you, only she had brown hair."
	Once my aunt had a terrible headache so she took an aspirin and soon felt better. Later that day she was looking for a button that had fallen off her blouse. She didn't find the button but she found an aspirin in her pocket!
	I love telling this story because it is about my ex girlfriend. I was at her house for Easter. Her mother was making some cookies. They were "slice and bake" with little rabbits on them. My girlfriend said with an amazed look "Wow the little bunnies go through to the other side" ...(hence, slice and bake cookies)
	Once while riding around Myrtle Beach with my parents, I saw a sign that read "Topless Bar." My sister and I, both pre-adolescents, wondered how did the bar-goers keep from getting wet when it rains. The thought occupied my mind for years until someone finally told me what a topless bar was!
	I was 18 and in the Air Force, and had just bought my first car. It was at Fairchild AFB, near Spokane, Washington, and the car was a 1955 Oldsmobile. I had paid $50.00 for it. My buddy and I decided to take it for a drive over to Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Nearing the city, we heard a "chop...chop...chop" sound. We parked at a restaurant and shut the car off. Went inside to eat, and then returned to the car. The car would not start. I raised the hood, and my buddy and I, (both of us REALY STUPID!) just stood there looking at the engine, not knowing a thing about cars. A man came up to see if we needed help. He told us that my battery was gone. Apparently, it was not tied or bolted down and it fell into my fan blades. Well, this man put his battery in my car to get it started and then took it out. He told us that when we get back to Spokane, to go buy a battery. Well, we drove all the way back to Spokane, and stopped in a gas station and bought a battery, ($19.95 in 1971). Well, we put that battery in, and as we went around the cloverleaf onramp to get back on the freeway, we heard, "chop..chop..chop."
	I drive a city bus for a living. Bus drivers rule is once the door is closed and the bus is moving do not open the door. One night about 10pm I pull into a stop, pick up the people and proceed to pull out. All of a sudden out of the side mirror I see a person running toward the now moving bus. I stopped at a traffic light, the person caught up and passed the bus and ran 2 blocks to the next stop. I pull into the stop and open the door. The person looks up, puts one foot up on the steps, panting out of breath and says to me as he pulls a cigarette, "EXCUSE ME BUT DO YOU HAVE A LIGHT"
	One day I took out the vacuum cleaner to vacuum my rugs and saw the bag inside was full. I went to get a new bag and saw I was out of the bags. I decided instead to put a plastic garbage bag into the vacuum cleaner. Being this vacuum cleaner was an upright it was an easy thing to do. When I turned on the vacuum cleaner imagine my surprise when the 30 gallon garbage bag blew up like a huge balloon and my vacuum cleaner danced across the living room rug.
	During a hot summer day a woman called up our hospital proclaiming that her daughter had eaten and swallowed some ants on accident. We told her that she would be ok and that they would be dead before they could do any harm. Towards the end of the phone conversation something caught our attention. She said that she gave her daughter some ant poison to kill the ants. We then told her that she better come in right away. Everything ended up ok though, and we all still laugh about it to this day.
	One day I was talking to my brother about a girl I know named Heather. I was telling him that I thought that she was cheating on her boyfriend and pregnant with the other guy's child. My brother got this very surprised look on his face and said, "Does Heather know?"
	My old roommate had a burned out turn indicator. After telling him about it, he asked, "Do you think it needs more blinker fluid?"
	I was with my sister in a restaurant in Ocean City and I was walking to the table. When I glanced to my side I thought that I saw someone with the same shirt on as me, and since I only got a quick glance, I looked the other way and said to my sister, "Hey that girl has my shirt." She replied, "Ummmm, I think that is a mirror..."
	One day my sister, mother and I were all in the kitchen. My mother began to make dinner when my sister asked if she wanted some help. My mother of course said; "Yes, you can help by getting the ingredients out." My sister began to get all the ingredients out when my mother asked, "What are the olives for?" My sister replied, "We need olive oil."
	Back in my high school days, I had just barely got my new pair of contact lenses. I came home really late from somewhere one night and went to take out my contacts and put them to soak. I didn't bother to turn on the lights. The optical had given me some small sample bottles of lens cleaner and I went to reach for this and put my lenses to soak. It wasn't until the next morning when I put my lenses in that I discovered my mistake. I had grabbed a bottle of Murine eye drops instead of the cleaning solution, and had dyed my contact lenses yellow! Except for the faint yellow tint, I could still see out of them just fine and wore them for 2 weeks until my replacement lenses arrived. Now think about this; my eyes are bright blue. Yellow contact lenses mixed with blue eyes produce the most "glow in the dark", bright GREEN cat eyes that you ever saw! I'd be sitting in class and the teacher would look at me, then look again! When I called different opticals and explained the problem, asking what could be done, nobody believed me. They all were laughing their heads off and a few of them said "no way!" and hung up on me.
	A friend and I were house sitting for my dad while he was on vacation. One morning I went to fix breakfast and made pancakes. My friend had just poured syrup all over his pancakes and took several bytes. I asked him how they were and he said, "These are really good!"I sat down to eat, grabbed the syrup bottle and poured some over my pancakes. I took one byte and about gagged and said, "Yuck! These taste horrible!" "Hmm? They taste ok to me.." I grabbed the syrup bottle and looked at the label. In very small writing, my dad had scribbled "vegetable oil" on the bottle. What kind of moron dumps his used cooking oil into a syrup bottle and puts in back in the cupboard with all the other syrup bottles?
	I live in Niagara Falls, Ontario, Canada and I'm 14 years old. The tourists here can get so stupid because they always ask me what time they turn off the falls. I usually reply back, trying to sound like an idiot too 'about the same time they roll up the side walks. And they look at ME weird!
	One day some friends and I went out to get some fruit at a curbside stand. There is a big sign selling plums 4 for a dollar. My buddy picks one up, looks at it and asks the guy, "How much for one?"

	My friend Emily and I went to K-Mart. We were walking to the restrooms. I found a motorized cart. I hopped on cart. We went to the undergarments (after the restroom). Next thing I know the wheel on the cart got stuck on a bra rack. Next thing I know bra's are all over me, the cart and the floor. I stood up in shock and did not realize that there were people standing there. Emily shouts out "It's a miracle, you can walk."
	My ex-wife once called me at a bar and asked, "Where are you?"
	I was working in a large Western National Park and a woman who was a notorious chain smoker came out of her office and lit up a cigarette. I said, "What are you up to?." She took a long drag off of her cigarette and with smoke coming out of her mouth and nose said, "I just came out for a little fresh air"!
	I went to McDonalds's the other day, and ordered a cheeseburger with ketchup only, meaning bread, meat, cheese, and ketchup. When I pulled away from the window, I checked the burger to make sure it didn't have anything but ketchup, and there was no cheese on it! I drove around and said to the guy at the window "This doesn't have any cheese."He said "Right, you ordered it with ketchup only."
	I was at sleep away camp and there was a really bad storm. Eventually we lost power and most of my friends went scrambling for our flashlights. My best friend at camp (sadly), shouted, "Oh no! Since we don't have electricity our flashlights won't work!" It took awhile, but we managed to explain to her that flashlights run on batteries. I'm still not sure she gets it, but someday she'll understand.
	I worked the night shift at a restaurant and every Friday night the same 5 deaf men would come to eat. They usually came very late and often stayed passed closing time. One night when they had stayed well passed closing time, I asked my boss if he could please give them some kind of sign that we would like to close the restaurant so they would leave. He reached up and shut off the music.
	The Burger King near my house used to keep their soda cup lids right next to the soda machine. One day I went into the restaurant and they had changed the soda machines. I ordered a small drink and they put the lid inside the cup. I took the lid out of the cup so I could fill it up. Since I was so used to seeing the lids next to the soda machines, I turned to the man behind me and said, "Excuse me. Do you know where they keep the lids?" The man looked at me, looked at the lid in my hand, and then looked back at me. I really hope I never run into that man again.
	My father has always enjoyed VERY spicy foods. One time he purchased an ornamental pepper tree, plainly labeled "not for human consumption." Weeks go by and he is growing ever more curious, after all, peppers are peppers - right? We (father and kids) were watching TV one night and curiosity had gotten the better of him. He pulled a pepper off the tree, cut the end off with his pocket knife and sampled his mini vegetable. He placed the pepper and the knife on the table next to the plant, shrugged and wandered off. Well, like father, like son, my brothers looked at each other, each cut a piece of pepper and sampled it. Almost instantly I saw flames blowing from their ears and tears streaking their faces...They dashed into the kitchen to try to find some relief and instead found our dad stuffing ice cubes into his mouth!!

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