Some Funny Stuff

I remember, not too long ago, when a man could work hard clubbing baby seals all day long and then go home and have a tall, cold one with a clear conscience.

I have every album the Bee Gees ever recorded!

50 things we've all learned from the movies:

1. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.

2. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

3. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.

4. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

5. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

6. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

7. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.

8. You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

9. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

10. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

11. People on TV never finish their drinks.

12. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

13. The chief of police is always black.

14. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

15. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 12 inches..

16. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

17. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

18. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.

19. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.

20. Wearing a loin cloth or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.

21. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

22. If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.

23. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

24. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.

25. All single women have a cat.

26. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

27. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

28. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.

29. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.

30. If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying, "Hello?, Hello?"

31. Most people keep a scrapbook or newspaper cutting - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.

32. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.

33. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.

34. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

35. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.

36. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

37. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

38. Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste.

39. No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.

40. If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.

41. You can always find a chainsaw whenever you're likely to need one.

42. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

43. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.

44. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.

45. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

46. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

47. Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always buy a new one.

48. Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.

49. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

50. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

A Woman's Random Thoughts

Skinny people really irritate me when they say things like, "You know sometimes I just forget to eat" Well I have forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I have never forgotten to eat. It takes a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. Now she has 14 kids and she doesn't care.

The trouble with some women is that get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating to much, impulse buying, and driving to fast. Who are they kidding, that is my idea of a perfect day.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody over30 can fit into her stuff.

If men can run the world then why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck.

Everyone Knows Bubba...

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!" Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says. "President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." Off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

Bubba disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. By the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, ‘Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?’"

Oh Atlanta...

Atlanta is comprised entirely of 1-way streets. The only way to get out of downtown Atlanta is to turn around and start over when you reach Greenville, South Carolina.

All directions start with, "Go down Peachtree..."

Peachtree Street has no beginning and no end.

Atlanta is home of Coca-Cola. The Pepsi Generation doesn't live here.

Atlantans only know their way home and their way to work.

Gate 1, at the Airport is 32 miles away from the Main Concourse.

It's impossible to go around a block and wind up on the street you started on. The Chamber of Commerce calls it a "scenic drive".

The 8 AM rush hour is from 6:30 AM to 9:30 AM. The 5:00 PM rush hour is from 3:30 PM to 7:30 PM. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.

Reversible Lanes are not understood by anybody.

"Sir" and "Ma'am" are used by the person speaking to you if there's a remote possibility that you're at least 30 minutes older than they are.

"Sugar" is a more common form of address than "Miss". So is "Honey".

Ponce de Leon Avenue can only be pronounced by a native, or spelled for that matter!

The falling of a single rain drop causes all traffic to immediately cease; so will daylight savings time and a girl applying eyeshadow across the street, or a flat tire 3 lanes over.

If you're standing on a corner and a MARTA Bus stops, you're expected to get on and go somewhere.

Atlanta is pronounced by the locals as "Lanna".

Construction on Peachtree Street is a way of life, and a permanent form of entertainment.

Construction crews aren't doing their job properly unless they close down all lanes except 1 during rush hour.

Atlanta's traffic is the friendliest around. The commuters spend hours mingling with each other twice a day. In fact, Atlanta's traffic is rated #1 in the country. You will often see people parked beside the road and engaged in lively discussions.

Atlantans are very proud of our race track, known as Road Atlanta. It winds throughout the city on the Interstate, hence it's name.

Some sarcasm to start your day ;-)

I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they are not there the first time, chances are you won't be needing them again.

I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?

My reality check bounced.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

Following the rules will not get the job done.

When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

Don't let yesterday take up too much of today.

And It Was So...

God created the mule, and told him, "You will be mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years."

The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20."

And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years."

And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years."

And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years." And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years."

And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."

And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 30 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected."

And it was so.

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 30 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.

And it is so !!

Jesus Is Watching You...

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you".

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you. " Totally rattled, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.

"Yes," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you. " The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who do you think you are any way?"

"Moses," Replied the bird.

"Moses" the burglar laughed.

"What kind of stupid people would name a parrot 'Moses'?"

The bird promptly answered: "The same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'!"

Let Me Hold Your Monkey...

A woman gets on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

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