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This Is Ricky's Web Site This page was last updated on 03/11/01.
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Folk music of the American Revolution The Scooby Doo/X Files Conspiracy Monty Python And The Holy Grail Sound Clips |
The following items remind me of stuff you would hear George Carlin or Steven Wright say... especially the ones by George Carlin or Steven Wright...
Anarchy is better
than no government at all. Any man who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. Fear knocked at the door. Faith answered and no one was there. Just saying ‘no’ prevents teenage pregnancy the way "Have a nice day" cures chronic depression. War doesn't determine who's right but who's left. "A city is a large community where people are lonesome together." - Herbert Prochnow "A word to the wise is unnecessary." -- La Rouchefoucauld The future isn't what it used to be. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. George Washington's brother was the uncle of our country. A seminar on time travel will be held in two weeks ago. A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic. A tree never hits an automobile except in self-defense. Did you know that
dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity, they can train
Americans to stand at the very edge of the pool and throw them fish? How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, people take Prozac to make it normal. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. That place is so crowded, nobody goes there anymore. The biggest liar you'll ever have to deal with probably watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning. A hen is an egg's way of making another egg. The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep. Courage is almost a contradiction in terms. It means a strong desire to live, taking the form of readiness to die.- G.K. Chesterton A foolproof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant. Bacon & eggs - Hens are involved but pigs are committed. The Moral Majority is neither. "A true friend stabs you in the front." - Walt Whitman Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler. Practice makes perfect, but if nobody's perfect, why practice? Sheesh!If I thought you were serious, I'd hope you were joking. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. The only difference between ordinary and extra-ordinary is that little extra. What you are speaks so loud I cannot hear what you are saying. A genius is someone who sees a target that nobody else can see, and hits it. – Kara Poor Today is the tomorrow you were so worried about yesterday! You are what you eat. I once thought I made a mistake, but I was wrong. Communism is man's exploitation of man. Capitalism is just the opposite. A "language" is a dialect with an army. A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs. A classic is a book that is much praised yet rarely read. A self-addressed envelope would be addressed "envelope". Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours. Assassination is an extreme form of censorship. A soldier will fight long and hard for a bit of colored ribbon.- Napoleon Bonaparte Man must exist in a state of balance between risk and safety. Pure risk leads to self-destruction.Pure safety leads to stagnation. In between lies survival and progress. If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it? Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift? Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? Can atheists get insurance for acts of God? Can I yell "movie" in a crowded fire station? Can you be a closet claustrophobic? After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in? Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together? How is it that a building burns up as it burns down? If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress? If a train station is where the train stops, what is a workstation? If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working? If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax? If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter? Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking? What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free? What was the best thing before sliced bread? When it rains, why don't sheep shrink? Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"- George Carlin Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"? Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have? Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections? Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead? Why doesn't your computer ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"? Do married people live longer than single people do or does it just SEEM longer? If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? If it's 0 degrees today, and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, ...how cold will it be? If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from? Is there another word for synonym? If the only thing to survive a plane crash is the black box, why don't they make the whole plane out of the black box? If the Better Business Bureau cheats you, who do you complain to? What if there were no hypothetical questions? If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, who's the idiot that said, "Quit while you're ahead"? What are Preparation A through Preparation G? If knees were backward, what would chairs look like? Why is it that when a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment, but when a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95/minute? Do vegetarians eat animal crackers? - George Carlin Does a person ever get sick without being tired? How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? How do you know when yogurt goes bad? Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway? Why is it that when we ship something by truck, it's called a shipment but if we send something by ship, it's called cargo? Why is it that when you are on the telephone, writing furiously and holding a finger up to tell the person who just came into your office to hold on a second, they ask "Do you have a minute?" If you take the wings off of a fly, does it become a walk?- George Carlin How come there aren't "B" batteries? If the post office has machines that can sort snail mail at 1000's of times per minute, then why do they give them to a little old man on a bike to deliver? Why do doctors call what they do practice? How do "Do Not Walk On Grass" signs get there? Why do black olives come in cans and green olives come in jars? Is a metaphor like a simile? Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? How is it possible to have a civil war? If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? If God dropped acid, would he see people? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2? If you ate pasta and anti pasta, would you still be hungry? Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"? Why is the alphabet in that order?Is it because of that song? Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet? There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot. Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving. I bought some powdered water.... but I didn't know what to add. Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer? Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime? Did Noah keep his bees in archives? Do flies get embarrassed when they get unzipped? Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers? Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime? Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them? How can someone "draw a blank"? How can there be self-help "groups"? How come wrong numbers are never busy? How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign? How do you know if honesty is the best policy unless you've tried some of the others? How do you throw away a garbage can? How does a thermos know whether a drink should be hot or cold? How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand words worth? If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go? If rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit? If Superman is so smart why does he wear his underpants over his trousers? If you had a million Shakespeares, would they write like a monkey? If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights? In court, why do they ask if you swear to tell the truth?If you're planning on lying, do they really think you'll tell them so? What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep? What happens to an 18-hour bra after 18 hours? When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? Where are the germs that cause 'good' breath? Where did Webster look up the definitions when he wrote the dictionary? Why aren't there ever any GUILTY bystanders? Why can't you make another word using all the letters in "anagram"? Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing? Why do hot dogs come ten to a package and hot dog buns only eight? Why do mattresses have springs, if they aren't made for jumping on? Why do they call it life insurance? Why do tourists go to the top of tall buildings and then put money in telescopes so they can see things on the ground in close-up? Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin? Why is it that
bullets ricochet off of Superman's chest, but he ducks when the gun is thrown at him? Why is it that night falls but day breaks? Why is it you must wait until night to call it a day? Why is your index finger the same size as your nostrils? How do you remove a club soda stain? What if the Hokey Pokey IS what it's all about? Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive? When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting? What happened to the first 6 "ups"? Where do flys go when it rains? Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets? How much would they pay the matador if the bull had no horns? When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs? - George Carlin Why is there only one monopolies and mergers commission? If you get wrapping paper for a present, how do you know when to stop unwrapping? "Why do they report power outages on TV?" - George Carlin If 7-11 is open 24-7 and 365 days a year why do they have locks on their doors? If you mix milk of magnesia with vodka and orange juice, do you get a Phillip's screwdriver? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? - George Carlin Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? - George Carlin
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