What is the only true cure for
dandruff ?
Baldness ! |
What should you buy if your hair
falls out ?
A good vacuum cleaner ! |
A man went to see his doctor
with a brick buried in his head. What was he suffering from ?
Falling arches ! |
Why did the doctor operate on
the man who swallowed a pink biro ?
He had a cute-pen-inside-is ! |
What sort of fish would you find
in a bird cage ?
A perch ! |
What sort of fish would you find
in a shoe ?
An Eel ! |
What sort of dance do fish do at
parties ?
The conga ! |
Where did the dog breeder keep
his savings ?
In bark-lays bank ! |
Did you hear about the bungee
jumper who shot up and down for 3 hours before they could bring him under control ?
He had a yo-yo in his pocket !back to top |
What do you call a cowboy who
helps out in a school ?
The deputy head !
What do you call the teacher in
the school who gives out forms that you have to fill in ?
The form teacher ! |
Did you hear about the dog who
was arrested ?
He didn't pay a barking ticket ! |
Where did the rich cat live ?
In a mews cottage ! |
What position did the witch play
in the football team ?
Sweeper ! |
What position did the pile of
wood play in the football team ?
De-fence ! |
Why couldn't the slow boxer get
a drink at the party ?
Because everyone beat him to the punch ! |
Why was the archaeologist upset
?
His job was in ruins ! |
Why was the butcher worried ?
His job was at steak ! |
Why did the teacher have to turn
the lights on ?
Because his pupils were so dim !back to top |
Why did the French farmer only
keep the one chicken ?
Because in France one egg is un oeuf !
What did the farmer say when all
his cows charged him at once ?
I'm on the horns of a dilemma here ! |
What sort of snake will tell on
you ?
A grass snake ! |
Why did the doll blush ?
Because she saw the Teddy Bear ! |
What sort of ring is always
square ?
A boxing ring ! |
What sort of queue is always
straight ?
A snooker cue ! |
What sort of net is useless for
catching fish ?
A football net ! |
Why do people leave letters at
the football ground ?
They want to catch the last goal-post ! |
I've got a terrible fat belly ?
Have you tried to diet
Yes, but whatever colour I use it still looks fat ! |
What do you call a frog that
helps children safely across the street ?
The green cross toad ! |
Did you hear about the posh chef
with an attitude problem ?
He had a French fried potato on his shoulder !back to top
Why do golfers carry a spare
sock ?
Because they might get a hole in one ! |
What book do you buy to teach
children how to fight ?
A scrap book ! |
What sort of animals make the
best TV presenters ?
Gnus - readers ! |
What sort of animal is best at
getting up in the morning ?
A Llama clock ! |
I hear you have just invented
gunpowder ?
Yes, I was using some candles to light my laboratory and it came to
me in a flash ! |
How is your other invention
coming along - you know, the matches ?
Oh, they've been a striking success ! |
Why did the doctor take his nose
to pieces ?
He wanted to see what made it run ! |
Why is it dangerous to tell
jokes to Humpty Dumpty ?
He might crack up !back to top |
Why do pens get sent to prison ?
To do long sentences ! |
What was the parrot doing in
prison ?
It was a jail-bird !
What is the name of the detective
who sings quietly to himself while solving crimes ?
Sherlock Hums ! |
Why did the farmer feed his pigs
sugar and vinegar ?
He wanted sweet and sour pork ! |
What do you call the Scottish
dentist ?
Phil McCavity ! |
Why is the soil in my garden always
dry ?
Because you have leeks ! |
What kind of rose has a bark ?
A dog rose ! |
What did the little boy say when he
wanted his big brother to give him back his building bricks ?
Lego ! |
Why are you called Postman Pat ?
Because I have to deliver post to all the farms ! |
Which two words in the English
language have the most letters ?
Post Office ! |
How do you start a jelly baby race ?
Ready-set-go ! |
What sort of music was invented by
fish ?
Sole music !
What do you call a scared biscuit ?
A cowardy custard cream ! |
What do you call a man whose father was
a Canon ?
A son of a gun !back to top |
What do you call a man with two left
feet ?
Whatever you like - if he tries to catch you he'll just run round in circles
! |
What do you call a weekly television
programme about people getting washed ?
A soap opera ! |
What do you call a flock of birds who
fly in formation ?
The red sparrows ! |
What do you call a bee that is always
complaining ?
A grumble bee ! |
What would you call a friend who had an
elephant on his head ?
A flatmate ! |
What do you call a posh pig delivering
newspapers ?
Bacon rind ! |
What do you call a teacher who makes
fireworks ?
A head banger ! |
What do you call a man that drills holes
in teapots ?
A potholer !
What do you call a song played on car horns
?
A car tune ! |
What do you call the man who invented a
famous car and toilet paper ?
Lou rolls ! |
What do you call an elephant that has had
too much to drink ?
Trunk ! |
What do you call the owner of a tool factory
?
The vice chairman ! |
What do you call King Midas when he stars in
a James Bond film ?
Goldfinger ! |
What do you call a parrot when it has dried
itself after a bath ?
Polly unsaturated ! |
What do you call a dentist in the army ?
A drill sergeant ! |
What do you call a kangaroo at the North
Pole ?
A lost kangaroo ! |
What do you call a rabbit dressed up as a
cake ?
A cream bun ! |
What do you call the man who went to a fancy
dress party as a sandwich ?
Roland butter !back to top
Why are monsters forgetful ?
Because everything goes in one ear and out the others ! |
Why did the monster knit herself three socks ?
Because she grew another foot ! |
What is the difference between a huge smelly
monster and a sweet ?
People like sweets ! |
What has a purple spotted body, ten hairy legs
and big eyes on stalks ?
I don't know either but there is one crawling up your leg ! |
What do you say when you meet a two headed
monster ?
Hello hello ! |
What is the best way to speak to a monster
?
From a long way away ! |
What is big, red and prickly, has three eyes and
eats rocks ?
A big, red, prickly three eyed rock eater ! |
Mrs monster to Mr Monster "Try to be nice
to my mother when she visits this weekend dear "
"Fall down when she hits you"! |
Mr Monster "Oi, hurry up with my
supper"
Mrs Monster "Oh do be quiet - I've only got three pairs of hands" ! |
Why did the monster walk over the hill ?
Because it was too much bother to walk under it !back to top |
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